So today for me  its a sad day. No matter how great things are  right now in my life, I can't help but shed tears today. One year ago today, I came out of my oceanography class and had 4 missed calls from my mom... and a voice mail that said in a shaky voice "nena, call me back".. I knew it had to be realeted with my grandpa, since he had a stroke two days before that... but I never expected it to be that bad. I called her back scared of what she was going to say... and so she did tell me the worst thing. " nena, I need you to come home.... Grandpa just died". Honestly, I can't remember her following words... I only remember me saying no... feeling like the world stopped, like I was lost. like this could just not be true. The following days where filled with the saddest and most awful memories I've had yet. I will never forget my brother's words, my dad's face when he got to Venezuela, etc etc. I won't dwell on this because there is little to say. He is gone and gone for ever. Yet his memory is with me everyday. I remember him  every day no matter what I do. Most days with happiness... and remembering the good things he had. Other days with tears, wishing he was here. Today I wrotte a letter to my dad. It's in spanish, but I will put it here as well. If any of my non-spanish readers read this... well let me know if you want to know what it says... I'll writte it for you in english. Anyways nobody ever reads this except Jessi... so it doesn't matter much. Thank you Jessi for reading and leaving comments...  You are the only one that keeps  me coming back... if it wasn't because I know that you'll read it and post... I would not do this any longer.
    So, here it is.... I hope you all understand that my grandfather was one of the people i loved the most in this world.. and that I will forever miss him. Love you grandpa.... yesterday, today and forever. miss you...

  This is the email I sent my dad.....

Hola Papi:

            Bueno, se que hoy no es el mejor día para escribirte, pues se que no debes estar de el mejor animo. Sin embargo, te escribo porque se que en este día, siento que le debemos algo a uno de los seres mas especiales que conoceremos en toda la vida; El Nonno. Hoy hace un ano, recibimos las peores noticias en nuestras vidas. Para mi, la llamada de mama y escucharla decir “nena, necesito que te vengas a la casa, porque murió el Nonno” fueron las peores palabras que he podido escuchar de la boca de mama. Ni el insulto más horrible me ha hecho tanto daño como esas palabras. Tantas cosas me pasaron por la mente en ese momento. Tantas ganas de volver atrás, y de pedirle a Dios solo un segundo más antes de que la realidad me pegara en la cabeza. Un segundo para ver al Nonno, para llamarlo de nuevo, para escucharlo reír, hablar Italiano, cantar, o simplemente verlo darle comida a los patos en el jardín de la casa. Un segundo para darle un fuerte abrazo y decirle a gritos que lo amo. Pero fue un segundo que no me regalo nadie. Fue un segundo que pedí demasiado tarde. Se que a ti también te hace falta ese segundo. Se que tu papi mas que nadie, has cargado con un vacío en el corazón desde el día que murió el Nonno. Y se que no hay palabras que yo diga que te llenen ese vacío ni hoy ni nunca. Se que no hay nada que yo haga o deje de hacer, que te ayude a dejar de recordarlo con los ojitos aguados. Pero papa, si hay algo que SIEMPRE recordare del Nonno, era esa frase que decía siempre con respecto a la  Nonna “ la gente no se muere realmente sino en el momento que dejamos de recordarlos”. Y es por esa razón que te escribo este email. Porque desde hoy hace un ano, no he dejado de recordar al Nonno. NO he dejado de recordar esa frase que decía que para mi lo ha mantenido vivo. Aun cuando ha pasado un ano, puedo escucharlo reír en mi cabeza. Puedo recordar verlo cocinando hace mucho tiempo en la cocina de su casa. La alegría de ir a la colonia Tovar con nosotros. Comprar el pan y la fruta. Como decía “hooola” cuando llegábamos a verlo y se reía. Son memorias que me hacen un nudo en la garganta de pensar que no voy a poder tenerlas otra vez, y que me traen lagrimas a los ojos de pensar que el vacío es para siempre. Que desde hace un ano y en adelante, el Nonno no estará aquí. Pero pues quiero estar aquí para ti… quiero que sepas que tu no estas solo recordando al Nonno, en extrañarlo cada día que pasa. Puede que yo no hable mucho de eso, y que nunca diga que lo extraño… Pero aun cuando no lo llame suficiente, y no le dije suficiente lo mucho que lo quería…. Pues lo extraño cada día mas, y me doy cuenta de lo grandioso que era y de la falta que me hará siempre… Le preguntare siempre a Dios porque el, porque en ese momento… porque no dejarlo mas tiempo con nosotros. Siempre soné con el Nonno estando en mi boda, tu y el…. Bailando el waltz con uno y el otro. Se que suena estupido, pero siempre pensé que el Nonno llegaría a ver ese día. Siempre pensé que si vendría a mi graduación de la universidad porque se perdió la de mi bachillerato. Pero la vida no siempre sigue el camino que uno desea, sino que hace el suyo… Y pues lamentablemente este camino no es el que yo sonaba. Pero he llegado a entender que el Nonno siempre estará con nosotros. Día a día, porque no solo lo llevamos muy dentro de nuestro corazón, sino que el formo parte de lo que somos. Nos ayudo a ser parte de lo que somos con sus palabras, sus acciones y sus consejos.  Como papa, fue único e inigualable. Tú sabes mejor que yo que fue un excelente padre. Como esposo no hubo mujer tan Feliz como la Nona, y aun cuando ella no estuvo, fue el mejor esposo del mundo. La mantuvo viva aun cuando no estaba allí. Hablaba de ella y se podía sentir que aun después de tantos anos, el amor que le tenía era eterno y genuino. Fue el único abuelo que jamás pude tener…. El único que la vida me regalo. Y como tal fue increíble. No creo que haya palabras para describir lo que mi abuelo represento para mí. Fue el Nonno. Una persona fuerte y orgullosa, y al mismo tiempo tierna y sensible. Con un corazón de oro, y una influencia en mi vida impresionante. Nunca lo olvidare. No olvidare sus palabras, ni sus dichos, ni sus risas, ni sus momentos de bravura. No lo olvidare, y se que tu tampoco. En este día de tanta tristeza papi, recordémoslo con la mayor alegría, porque se que el esta en un mejor lugar, junto con la Nona Maria… Y pues seamos fuertes en no llorarlo como lo hemos hecho tantas veces durante el ultimo ano. Porque a el no le hubiera gustado. Recordémoslo con esa alegría que llevaba y esa fortaleza de vivir la vida. Con esas ganas de seguir adelante aun cuando el mundo se ponía en su contra.  Recordémoslo siempre para mantenerlo vivo cada día. Si la vida me deja algún día ser mitad de el hijo que tú fuiste y eres, o mitad de el padre que fue el Nonno…. Le estaré siempre agradecida, porque personas como el y como tu, no se encuentran en cada esquina. Este email es para ti papa. Porque se que lo recuerdas muchísimo mas que yo, y si para mi ha sido durísimo perder al Nonno, no quiero imaginar lo que ha sido para ti perderlo. TE amo papi. Ayer, Hoy y SIEMPRE. El Nonno estaría muy orgulloso de ti. Siempre lo estuvo. Y así igual lo estamos todos. Por el Nonno papa…. Para que su memoria se mantenga siempre con nosotros. Recordémosle todos los días más y más. Con muchísimo cariño, y recordando al Nonno todos los días,

                               Melanie

 Esta es una de mis fotos preferidas de tu y el Nonno… te la mando porque aunque se que la tienes, para que la veas en este día, y lo recuerdes así… con el vaso levantado. Siempre brindando por una cosa u otra. Cuanta falta me hace su compañía…. Besos papa…  te amo!

Aquí te mando también algo que escribí en mi diario el ano pasado después de la muerte del Nonno.. no es mucho, y el ano pasado no me atreví a mostrártelo.. pero te lo mando este ano… porque se que entiendes de mejor manera que yo lo que sentí ese día, y lo que aun siento….

 October 8th, 2005

So,
    It has been quite some time since I last posted.... but too many things have happened. I guess I should start by saying the most important yet saddest news I’ve received lately, which is that my grandpa died last week. Many of you might see it as not a big deal... and the rest must feel very sorry for my dad.... I guess everybody thinks grandpas are supposed to die or at least deep down know they will before the rest of the family, because they are old... but I must disagree. Or at least in my case. First I must say that my grandpa was different from the rest of the grandpas.... he was stronger, healthier, wittier, smarter, funnier and just overall better. I remember he always said that he was still young.... because his heart was young. He was always joking around like he was 15.. I don't think most people understand how much he meant to me.... because grandpas are just grandpas for most people.... but for me, he was the only one. I guess the fact that he was the only grandpa I had and the only one I ever meet made him yet more special.... but he developed a relationship with that I will never forget and certainly miss. I know that we all have to move on in life and that the cycle of life requires that some die, some live and some are born... yet death is so hard to deal with. I will miss my grandpa everyday of my life. And I can't help it but cry thinking that he won't be here anymore. I know that if you didn’t meet him you wouldn't understand his jokes.... or remember his sarcastic funny comments or his cute laugh.... or the way he sang on the phone in French and Italian. I guess some people are not even as lucky as me as to have a grandpa. But I feel like the unluckiest person for loosing him. I can't help wondering if he can see me now.... I wish I could just have said goodbye or just hug him one last time. Just one more hug. I can replay his laugh in my head... and hear his jokes... but I definitely need a hug from him so bad. I can remember the last day I saw him. He was all dressed up in that matching shirt and pant he always wore... the kaki one... I dunno where he got it.... but he had it for a long time.... he looked so cute on it. And he would put a lot of perfume on. That cologne he liked... from old spice. It was his smell.... Everything that was his smelled like it..... We went to dinner at El Barquero, his favorite restaurant.... We know the owner and he went there so much all the waiters knew him already. He ate the same dish every time. crema de langosta, croquetas de cangrejo and we would all share arroz a la marinera o paella. Oh and don't forget the cazabe con ajo..... A meal is not a meal for grandpa without bread. We went there the first day I went to Venezuela this summer for lunch and my last day as a goodbye dinner. I took my friend  Melanie with me. He talked Italian with us at dinner cause I asked him to.... I loved it when he spoke Italian.... he got mad at me because I didn't understand half of the Divine Comedy of Dante aligeri that he was reciting to me. But yet our goodbye was warm as always... a Big hug, lots of I love you... and that promise of seeing us soon. One that will never be satisfied.... or at least not in this life. He waved at me from the car... I left to go to my bye bye party with my friends.... he told me we would see each other in Miami.... I wanted him to be here for my birthday, but I never got the chance to tell him.. My dad agreed it was a good idea.... anyway he wanted to come and he always spent Christmas with us. It just won't be the same without him. Not my birthday not Christmas.
  I’m sorry for talking so much about him... but if I’m completely honest with you... I wish I could talk about him everyday.... every second... I guess is stupid because it makes me cry.... but I don't want to let go.... I just wish it was all a bad dream, and that I would wake up tomorrow to see him having orange and coffee as early as five in the table... and go get bread to give to the ducks right by the lake in our house here in Miami... Count them all and say that they would probably die eaten by alligators.... so we better feed them so they grow faster and stronger. And have him ask me to go with him to Publix and Barnes and nobles. what book I was reading, see if he could read it too. I remember when last year he bought the lord of the rings to read it.... and even though he didn’t like that type of reading tried to read it because I liked it. And he read that other long Saga I was reading by Jean M. Auel too.... About the prehistoric girl that survives in a clan of "others"... I remember he said I was like the girl.... Ayla... he would call me that when he was reading the book.... he said the only difference between us was that she had blond hair and light eyes.... I guess I can't help remembering all the things he told me because I wish I could hear them again. I’m afraid of moving on for fear of forgetting him. I know he said that a person only dies when you stop remembering them.... but I just don't want him to be dead at all.... I don't want to remember but rather be with him. If only I could have said how much I loved him. I guess after all, he did know how much I loved him.... and I guess that he did die happy at the end. I know he is happier know than he was before. He is finally with my grandma. I never meet her but heard lots of her from my grandpa. He always talked about her because he never stopped remembering her. But he hated anything that reminded of her because it was just not the same without her. He said she would have loved me because I have her personality. She used to love Disney as much as I do. He always said he would have wanted her to live more.... to meet me and Michael... I never really understood how much he wanted her to be here.... but I do now because that’s how I feel about him. Going to la colonia Tovar won't be the same.... the ducks in the summer won’t be the same.... so many things won’t be the same without him. But I am ok after all, I am strong and I know I will get trough this one. I will keep him close to my heart everyday for the rest of my life... not only because he always said that that was the only way to keep someone alive.... but also because he takes with him a part of me.... because he taught me so much as a grandpa, and he gave me something nobody else ever did. He was like a second dad to me. He was more than a grandpa for me... He gave an example of love... a role model as a father, husband and friend. a hard worker, loving, high spirited person.... and all that after being in a war... I will never forget his war stories... and his passion for movies.... his great movie collection and love for Shirley Temple and cowboy movies. I guess he leaves behind a trail of memories that nobody can take form me... and in those I will hang on until the day that I die.... Because those are the only thing I have left to see of him till I see him again in the next life. I don’t think my brother was right when he said my tears where hypocrites.... because I do not cry him now and didn’t enjoy him when he was alive. I did enjoy him when he was alive.... I talked to him, I listen... I heard and learned.... and I memorized.... and I cry because those are things that I will miss.... I’m sure there was more to be talked, listened and learned with grandpa.... and I can't wait for our next meeting for breakfast, talk, walk or whatever it is that we will do when we meet again. I guess this entry is getting long.... but the least I can do after he is gone is remember him... and even though tears roll down my cheeks... I have a smile on my face.... because I’m grateful that I met him. That I got to know him for almost 20 years.... and I thank God that he gave me that chance... and he gave me the chance of sharing and showing him that I cared. And I know that wherever he is... right now he knows that I still love him. he knows that I always will.... and I might never get that hug I want so bad from him.... but I’ll wait patiently till we meet again.... and we'll hug and tell each other how everything is going like we did before.... and maybe then we will feed the ducks again or go in  search for yet another book to read.... until then.... I only have left to say that I will miss you Nonno... I really will.... and I post this entry for you... as a kind of remembrance and a goodbye... but just for a while.... for I will keep remembering.... and carry you deep inside very close to my heart.... just like you did with grandma for so long. I love you.... and I always will.
for all the rest of you... who've read this far.... I thank you.... for it takes a lot to read my stuff.... and if you want a piece of advice.... love your grandparents.... and enjoy every  single second you have with them... they might be old.... they might be grumpy and have weird habits sometimes.... but they are people from which you can learn like no other.... and they are as wise as can be. They will not last forever in this earth.... and you'll miss them when they are gone.... I hope to you get to meet my grandpa someday in another life.... he was a great man. One worth crying for.
           MeMe

Esta es otra de mis fotos preferidas con el Nonno… ojala hubiera venido una vez mas a casa aquí en Miami…. Papi… he decidido tomar las clases de Italiano… aunque se que son 200 dólares, y me toca pagarlos a mi. Desde el día que murió el Nonno, prometí aprender Italiano. Para no dejar que me pasara lo mismo contigo. Para poder hablarlo contigo antes de que ya no estés tu o ya no este yo. Porque fue una estupidez no haberlo hecho con el Nonno. Y pues aun cuando es muy cara la clase de cocina, es algo que quiero hacer…. Que me recuerda al Nonno. No hay mayor privilegio que hacerla contigo. Se que no quieres gastar la plata… pero si yo pago la tuya y la mía, lo harías conmigo!? Te quiero papa. Regresa pronto…

To all you that have read this far... Thank you. I know it was a long entry... but like I've said before... I wish I could talk about my grandfather always... There are not enough words to talk about him and to say how much he ment to me, how I feel about him and how much i love him and miss him. So the few I;ve written will have to do for now... I love you grandpa... I always did and always will... Until we meet again,

                     Melanie